Setting Boundaries for Navigating Holiday Stress: From Politics to Personal Space

The holidays are almost upon us, and they have the unique capability of causing stress, burnout, and family conflict. 

2024 has been a tumultuous year for many — from global conflict to different opinions on American politics. No one is exempt from some level of exposure to stress, be it on Instagram or at the Thanksgiving dinner table. 

The holidays provide a unique opportunity to socialize with family and friends who may not be in your usual orbit. In some scenarios, this may call for setting a boundary. 

As the word picks up steam on the Internet (as many mental health words do), it’s important to understand the true nature of a boundary, let alone how to apply one. 

Melissa Urban defines the concept as “clear limits around the way people engage with you” in her nonfiction book The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free. She also makes an increasingly important point; boundaries are about how we respond, not a tool to change another’s behavior. 

Take the example of a family member who overindulges in alcohol. The goal of a boundary is not to target the person’s alcohol consumption. Rather, it’s to outline personal comfort levels with the pattern. This may look something like “I am not comfortable with being around high levels of alcohol. If you choose to engage in this behavior this holiday, I will not stay at the family function.” 

The point of the boundary is not to stop the person’s drinking entirely, but to remove yourself from an uncomfortable scenario. 

Urban even designs a script for broaching the subject of politics. She encourages people to set boundaries before the event. She writes: “I know we don’t see eye to eye on political or social justice issues, so let’s please agree to not bring up, discuss, or provide viewpoints on those topics during our visit. It’s the only way we’ll enjoy our time together, and I really want to.” 

The next steps are enforcing the boundary. If politics is brought up, a reminder of the boundary may be necessary. When looking at a family unit that won’t respect the boundary, additional steps may include leaving the family party or agreeing not to attend in the future. 

Some common boundaries in family environments include political conversation, personal space (asking children if they’d like to be hugged instead of expecting physical contact,) asking to remove conversation around body type, family planning, marriage, and career, and even choosing not to engage in depth with certain family members.

Some holiday stress is unavoidable. When possible, setting a boundary may help ease some of the tension and preemptive anxiety that emerges when planning family and friend gatherings. 

Just a reminder: boundaries don’t always stick on the first try. Sometimes it’s necessary to continue enforcing your comfort level. Start positive and optimistic — but don’t be afraid to use stronger wording if the boundary is continuously broken. 

For more tips, scripts, and explainers, you can find Urban’s book here.